so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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