Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize