Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
