Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
