Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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