Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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