Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
