It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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