Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Green mimosas i think yes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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