I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
