I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
