I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
