in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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