Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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