I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
