That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
