I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
