Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
