I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
