How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
