My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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