well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
