I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
