She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
