yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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