It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
