Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
