I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
