Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
