Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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