where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
