he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
