I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
