I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
