I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
