dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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