i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
