This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
