it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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