Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
