I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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