My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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