he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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