I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
