my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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