there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
