we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
