I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
