You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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