Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
