I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
