So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
