I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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