Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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