The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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