Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
