I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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