you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
